Pants!

So I finally broke down and headed over to Lane Bryant to buy some new pants.

Let's start with the Lane Bryant part. Why is it that as a borderline-plus-size girl, I always feel that shopping at Lane Bryant is like admitting defeat? It's just a store. A store where I fit into the SMALLEST size. So you'd think that I would be thrilled to shop there. Not so much. I have always felt that shopping at Lane Bryant was like admitting that I'm fat. There. I said it. I am in fat denial. Somehow in my mind it make sense to me that if I just don't go shopping at all, then I'm not fat. I suppose I equate not fitting into clothes with being fat. So if I don't try on clothes that are too small on me, I'm not fat. Makes sense, right?

Not when you have been wearing the same pair of black pants for 3 years. And they are falling apart. Torn hems, elastic poking out of the thighs, just an overall hot mess of nasty black work pants.

Not when you have 1 pair of jeans that fit you right, and they are hand-me-downs from a friend, in a style and shade that was hip 5 years ago when she bought them.

It was time.

So I sucked it up and went to Lane Bryant. I went on a tip from a friend who is a similiar size to me. I noticed the other night that her jeans were really cute, and I complimented her on them. She said she got them at LB --- the store totally changed their way of sizing, so you can't even tell what size you are. I was extremely intrigued by this, which gave me the courage to go in the first place.

I walked in the store and made a B-line for the pants section. I quickly noticed that everything was labeled from a size 1 to 10. This totally threw me off. Luckily, it was not busy at all (thank the economy?) and I was able to grab a salesperson, who instructed me to follow her. She whipped out a tape measure and measured my hips and waist. She then led me over to the pants and pulled out a size 2.

A SIZE 2!!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I've never, ever, ever, ever worn a size 2. Even when I was a pre-teen, I think I jumped from a size 6x to a 13 juniors overnight. I never even got to shop at 5-7-9 (that awful store -- it tortured me so!!!) I know, I know, it's a size 2 at a plus size store. But I'm a size 2 somewhere. And I know numbers shouldn't mean anything, and I know it's what's on the inside that counts, but for one brief moment I felt NORMAL. I felt GOOD. I felt RIGHT.

I must've spent an hour in the store just trying on all the different styles of jeans and pants. The salespeople were SO wonderful (this is the LB at 1807 W. Fullerton in Chicago) and they gave me really great advice on which styles looked best on me. I walked out of there with a new pair of beautiful dark-wash trouser jeans and a pair of black wide-leg pants. They were both in the new "Right Fit" style of pant, of which there are 3 tailored fits -- Yellow, Red and Blue. Blue is for ladies with wide hips, Yellow is for ladies that are pretty straight up and down, and Red is when you have some hips. I got the jeans in the Red 2 (which are being hemmed right now at the cleaners down the street) and the pants in Red 2P (short length, and they actually aren't that short -- I am 5' 3" and I can wear them with a 2-inch heel and they only leave the ground by about 1/2 inch.) I was able to order more of the pants through the store to be shipped to my house for free because they didn't have them in the store (pants in grey and navy.) I loved the jeans so much when I got home that I jumped online and bought another pair, and was excited to see that they are offering free shipping through tomorrow (Nov. 19).

So the moral of the story is that it doesn't matter what the name is on the outside of the store. If you can go in there and find some cute clothes that make you look really great and give you that inner confidence, then who gives a shit what store you're in? I need to let go of hang-ups like this. I have always had a weight problem and I will struggle with it for my entire life. I may not always be too big for the regular stores, but I'm sure there will always be times in my life when I will need to go back to stores like Lane Bryant. I need to appreciate that I live in a country and time where there ARE places to shop when you're larger than a size 12. I am very fortunate to have so many options, and I'm going to take that option. And enjoy it.

Hosting my First Thanksgiving

It's official. I'm a grown-up. I have offered to host Thanksgiving for the first time ever!

This is a huge step for Mike and I. We usually spend Thanksgiving at my parent's house with a minimum of 18 people (including various members of my extended family.) To christen our 1st home Thanksgiving (and finally break in all that fancy China from the wedding) we will host a total of 6 people in our 2-bedroom apartment: my parents, my brother, my father-in-law, Mike and myself. I am both nervous, excited, antsy and exhilarated!!!!

So here's where I need your help, people! I need your tips on cooking Thanksgiving dinner in a small kitchen with only one oven. I've already delegated some dishes to our guests: My parents will bring the pumpkin pie and mashed potatoes, my bro will provide the dinner rolls and all-important beer, and my father-in-law will bring a simple appetizer of cheese and crackers. That leaves the turkey, stuffing, sweet potato casserole and green beans up to us. I am strongly considering cooking at least one of the items in a crock pot. I have 2 crock pots, so I could definitely use both for this. Also, my toaster is a toaster OVEN, and while I've never used it as an actual oven, this might be an option. Not sure if it's big enough to cook anything substantial though. I've also considered buying one of those oven racks, which allows you to stack multiple dishes on one side of the oven --- though I'm not sure if that would fit in the oven along with the turkey, or if it would just make a crowded mess. I think I'll have to take some measurements before my trip to Bed, Bath and Beyond this weekend...

What I'd really like from you, dear readers, are tips on defrosting/brining the turkey when you have zero freezer/fridge space. I have a couple of ideas. I can either buy a frozen turkey 3 - 4 days prior to the feast and defrost it in a cooler with ice on my back porch for a few days. Or I could buy the turkey fresh a day or two prior, and just keep it chilled in the cooler on the porch. Thoughts? I really want to try brining the turkey (which is basically soaking the turkey in a salt-water bath (brine) for about a day, which I hear keeps the meat nice and moist) but I'm not sure the best way to go about this. I guess I could dunk the turkey in a garbage bag of the salt-water and plop it in the cooler for a day or two. But how much brining is too much brining? :-/

If you stop by my place over the next 2 weeks, I can almost guarantee you will find me on the couch watching Food Network, ready with a pad and pen. They just started running their annual Thanksgiving specials and I hope to pick up lots of tips. I'm the kind of gal who feels a lot more confident after I've done my research. Even though I will probably not use 95% of the tips/techniques/recipes I'll see over the next two weeks, I will at least feel confident that I COULD use them if I wanted to. Knowledge is power. (You should have seen my DVR in the months prior to my wedding.... nothing but "Who's Wedding Is It Anyway"and "Bridezilla"...what to do, and what NOT to do... insanity, I know...)

Wish me luck!

Chain Restaurant Shockers

Check out this article on how New Yorkers are reacting to the new nutritional statistics posted at chain fast food and sit-down restaurants. Since last Spring, all fast food and chain restaurants in New York have been forced to post the calorie content of their items in menus and on menu boards. Everywhere from Starbucks to Chili's -- and this will soon become the standard in Los Angeles. I think it's a great idea and I can't wait for it to come to Chicago. It will be such a relief to know exactly what I'm getting when I sit down to a meal, like I do when I'm at home. However, what's most disturbing to me about this article is that even though most people are completely shocked by the high calories in their meals (A 1,600 calorie SALAD?!? I'm looking at you, T.G.I Friday's!!!), a good number of people are requesting to see the old menus with no nutritional information. They'd rather not know how unhealthy their choices are. Because putting your head in the sand and ignoring the truth will just make all the calories and fat go away, right? RIGHT????

I was recently asked to sample and review Weight Watcher's Golden Sponge Cake with Creamy Filling. Each cake is only 1 WW point. I think the cake is pretty tasty -- a good substitute if you're a fan of Twinkies. The servings are very small (about 3 inches long and 1 1/2 inch wide) but I think this is a good thing. If you just want a small taste of cake, but not a lot of calories, just eat one. If you want a little more satisfaction, eat 2. The box includes 6 cakes, which is great if you only eat one at a time, but if you eat 2 at a time, well obviously you're not getting as much bang for your buck. I'm not sure how much these cost, but I think it's worth a try if you really enjoy yellow cake, but have a hard time controlling your portions.

Barack O' Lantern

TA DA!!! My annual pumpkin, fashioned to reflect my current political enthusiasm. GOBAMA! I got this stencil at www.yeswecarve.com. Brilliant! I cannot wait for next week. I just pray to God that there isn't another voting debacle like Florida in 2000! :-/

The new job is going great and I'm settled in my new awesome cubicle. Since they were building my cubicle from scratch, I got to work with the maintenance guy to set it up just the way I wanted and it's PERFECT!!! I have 2 windows and LOTS of room. I ordered new office supplies last week and I had fun finding a place for everything; filing away papers I brought with me from my last position, figuring out where I will stash my all-important 100 calorie packs (this is important stuff here people!), etc. I just set up some wedding photos on the wall and it's already starting to feel like home. My co-workers/boss are so super nice. It's really exactly what I was looking for in a work situation. I am amazed how much better my situation is from just 2 weeks ago. My last position wasn't bad, by any means, but this new position fits what I was looking for SO much more. I am now working with people face-to-face on a daily basis, instead of sitting at a cubicle alone waiting for my boss to come back from his latest world tour. I am a social person and I really need that one-on-one interaction. I like working in teams and this is just the right sized team too -- just the 4 of us. Big enough to feel substantial, but small enough to be cozy. *SIGH* I can feel the UV rays coming through my windows. God bless natural light! :-)

So much has happened!

Holy shit, has this been a crazy ass week! In one week I got hired permanently at my temp job (YAYYYY!!!), and then just 2 days later my boss left the company. WTF??????? I still don't know what happened, and I think I'd rather not know. But the good news is that I still have a job (YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!) and it might just be better than the one I signed up for.

I started at this company 3 months ago as a temp-to-hire Executive Assistant for a high up executive that was always globe trotting. He was in the office 1, maybe 2, weeks out of each month. Most of my job consisted of arranging his travel and schedule. When he was actually in the office I was really busy. Sometimes a little crazy busy, but better to be busy than bored. Which is what I experienced the other 2 - 3 weeks per month. Pretty much nothing to do for hours and hours sounds like a brilliant thing, but it makes the day go by sooooooo slowly, even if you are reading an amazing book. (Which I am at this time --- "I Am Legend" --- never seen the movie, and the book is FANTASTIC, so check it out)

Then by crazy random happenstance, a corporate lawyer named Joe ran into my boss in the break room one day and mentioned that he needed some Administrative support because his Admin had just resigned. My boss volunteered me, as he knew I had plenty of time on my hands. So I've been assisting Joe here and there over the past 2 months and we get along great. He hires 2 more people (a paralegal and another lawyer) and mentions to me that he is looking to hire a full-time Admin. to support the 3 of them. I give him my friend's name, as I know she's looking for a change, though I know she's also possibly looking to move back to her home state. In the meantime, I help him with his 2 new hires, getting them set up with office supplies and stuff, and they are really cool and friendly.

Fast forward 3 weeks to now. I am hired full time on Monday, and I go through my first ever real salary negotiation. I've never experienced this before, as in the past my salary was not really up for negotiation -- it was "this is what the budget can afford, and what the position warrants, so this is what you're getting." It was really cool and grown-up to be able to go back and forth at the bargaining table with my boss. He was very respectful of my requests and took me seriously. I ended up with a salary that I am really proud of. I'm excited to start earning it and building my financial future, and our house fund! Finally, Jesus. These past 6 months since I left the hotel have been just sucking all our cash away, and I am so excited to start paying down debt again, instead of building more up!!! :-)

So 2 days later I get a call from HR. More specifically, the HR Rep for my boss, who is located in the UK. He tells me that my boss will not be working for the company any more. But don't worry -- I still have a job. He explains that Joe really wants me to work for his Legal team. But if I'm not comfortable with that, they will work to find a department that I like. So the whole time I'm on the phone, I don't know if I should cry or pass out from shock. I then realize this is a golden opportunity to work for a department that will challenge me, giving me a more consistent and interesting workflow, as well as the chance to work with people that I have a great rapport with already. I tell the HR guy that yes, I would love to work for Joe and his Legal team.

I was still shocked for the next 48 hours. I couldn't tell anyone at work about my boss until it was officially announced the next day. That was a bitch, as many people were calling me, asking me where he was and why didn't he show up to certain meetings, where was his report to include with such and such packet for the CEO, etc. I was so relieved once they actually made the announcement, so I didn't have to pretend everything was ok anymore. It was really nice to see so many people come up to me and ask how I was doing. I explained that I wasn't going anywhere and they were relieved. I also got to meet with the very top HR person for the entire global company. She asked to meet personally with me to make sure I was alright and assure me that she met with my boss and he is doing fine --- that he was actually very worried about me! I don't know if he felt it coming or what, but it's just a little too coincidental that he pushed to get me hired quickly on Monday, only to be gone on Wednesday. Whatever the case, I am very grateful for what he did --- if I hadn't been hired before his departure, I could very well have been back to square one as a temp again.

The last 2 days consisted of packing his things, cleaning out all my files regarding work for him, and getting ready to move down to another wing of the building. That's another thing I'm excited about --- the legal dept. is in a great part of the building, with lots of windows and great sun exposure. I'm so excited to sit next to a window again, and I might even have 2 windows!!! There is so much more space there and I think the stark contrast from what I've been sitting in up until now (small, cramped cubicle in a dark corner with no windows and a really narrow aisle) will make a HUGE difference. And their new color copier is just 2 steps from my desk --- quite a difference from having to walk literally a 1/2 city block to the copier I've been using!!!

So in the end I am still very sad for my old boss, but at the same time this is a whole new adventure for me. I'm excited to see what happens next!

Tic Tac Sugar-Free Chill Mints

As you may be aware, I sometimes get sent free stuff (mostly diet foods) and am asked to try them out and give my honest opinion. I was recently sent 2 packs of the new Tic Tac Sugar-Free Chill Mints. Besides myself, my test audience was my fellow castmates -- all dudes, none of whom are the dieting type. We all agreed that the mints tasted very good -- they didn't taste "sugar-free" at all. I was given 2 flavors to try out: Paradise Mint and Exotic Cherry. The cherry one was hands down the favorite of all of us. The consensus was that the cherry was tastier and had a little tangy zing to it, though it wasn't really "breath freshening". As a dieter, I would recommend the Exotic Cherry Tic Tacs for moments when you have a craving for candy. They actually taste a lot like Smarties, though smaller and harder, with a little more bang. They are not too tangy though -- just enough to add a little kick. The Paradise Mint was pretty good too, and we agreed that if fresh breath was more your concern, that would be the way to go (instead of the cherry.) What made it "paradise" mint? There's a slightly sweet flavor to the mint -- a fruitiness. The packaging is also pretty neat -- it's a slightly larger box than regular Tic Tacs, with 2 ways to dispense; a small opening for 1 at a time, or a larger flap that opens if you want to take out more at a time. 1 piece equals 1.8 calories, 0g sugar, and a whole lot of ingredients that I can't pronounce. I'd say give 'em a whirl.

1st Anniversary

Today is our 1st wedding anniversary. I really can't believe a year has passed since that wonderful day. This year has had many ups and downs for me (so many job changes, getting back on stage, gaining back weight, etc.) and Mike has been there to back me up every step of the way. I love you so much honey --- more every day --- and you make every day a gift.

Last night we celebrated Rosh Hashanah with my side of the family, complete with the unveiling of the year-old top tier of our original wedding cake, complimented by a freshly baked replica from the same bakery (just in case the original tasted like crap.) The original was surprisingly good! My parents wrapped it really well and kept it in their basement freezer all year. It was actually pretty moist and almost as good as I remembered it! The fresh one was really good too, but there was something about that year-old cake that brought all the memories flooding back. It was a lovely moment.

Many of you have seen the wedding photos already, but I thought it would be fun to post some photos that you haven't seen already --- some of my favorites that are more "artsy". Our gift to each other is our framed Ketubah (the Jewish "marriage contract".) With the 1st anniversary gift being "paper", we thought that was especially fitting (my parents, however, thought a roll of scratchy Scott toilet paper was more fitting. Har har Mom and Dad }:-) Kudos to our friend Henio who suggested the round frame. I've included some pics below to share the results with you. It really turned out beautifully and hopefully we'll get it hung today. We are out of wall space, so something's going to have to be taken down, or rearranged. We're planning a nice dinner at home tonight, with some quality lounging. Enjoy the pics below...

The Ketubah (in rolled up form)

Foody Finds

Hey everybody! It's been a while since I've done any food reviews, and lately I've been trying out some new-to-me items, so here's some of my newly recommended items.

First off, if you are a fan of frozen meals (ranging from Lean Cuisines to Smart Ones to even Trader Joe's frozen items) you'll love this blog I just stumbled upon -- http://heateatreview.com/. There are TONS of detailed reviews on this site. It's a really great resource for dieters, as they list the basic nutritionals, serving size and WW points value for each item they review. My favorite part of the site is that you can sort through their posts by Rating, Points Value or Name Brand, among other labels. So if you want to see a pretty comprehensive list of frozen food items that clock in at 5 points, just click on that label and VOILA! Pretty snazzy. Not all foods are healthy or low-cal, but it seems like most of the bloggers on this site are pretty health conscious -- almost every post mentions the all-important nutrional-value-to-taste ratio.

Ok, so now for the foods I've been eating lately. I recently decided that if I'm going to really give it the college try and get back down to where I was a year ago (and approx. 20 lbs. ago) I'd need to change up what I've been eating. After eating the same good-for-me foods for years (i.e. Lean Cuisines, invididual packs of cottage cheese, egg whites, apples, etc.), and associating them with "dieting", I've developed an aversion to many of my standard items. Time to get back into the grocery store and spend some time finding new and exciting items to make this healthy lifestyle more attractive and tasty!



JIMMY DEAN'S D-LIGHTS



(in 3 Choices: Turkey Sausage, Black Forest Ham or Canadian Bacon)
Description: A breakfast sandwich, consisting of a whole grain English muffin, your choice of meat, an egg white patty and low-fat cheese.Clocks in at 280 calories, 10 g fat, 2g fiber, 18g protein.

I am a huge breakfast sandwich fan. Just knowing I'd be able to enjoy breakfast sandwichy goodness without the guilt, I was very eager to try these. They come 4 to a box, and I am proud to say that I've enjoyed every last morsel over the past 4 work mornings. I cannot wait to buy more -- I originally bought the turkey sausage, and I think I'll try the Canadian Bacon next. Really good, really filling -- a great item to get your day off on the right foot.


Kashi Lemon Rosemary Chicken frozen entree
330 cals, 9g fat, 5g fiber, 17g protein
Description: Chicken marinated with lemon and rosemary, grilled then sliced. Served with baby Portobello mushrooms and sugar snap peas over our Kashi 7 Whole Grains Pilaf, and topped with lemon rosemary sauce.

I've been getting really sick of the quality of most Lean Cuisines/Smart Ones, so my latest strategy is to spend a little more money to get a better quality product, which will fill me up a little more, pack a better wallop of flavor and leave me overall more satisfied with my lunch experience (i.e. less likely to hit the vending machines mid-afternoon.) I hit the excellent organic frozen section at our local Jewel and found this lovely meal from Kashi. The chicken actually tastes like real chicken that I'd make on my own stove (as opposed to the rubberized questionable chicken you often find in frozen entrees.) The pilaf was very hearty and the sauce was tasty. There aren't a lot of mushrooms, but the few there were very yummy. I'm definitely going to try more from the Kashi line in the future. They really weren't that more expensive than most other frozen entrees. And it's worth it to me to spend an extra dollar on a good quality frozen meal that I'll actually be excited about eating, as opposed to going out to eat and spending upwards of $8 while my Lean Cuisine sits in the company fridge.

Jell-O Sugar-Free Rice Pudding (individual serving sizes - 6 to a pack)
This stuff is the shit. Seriously. I almost fell out of my chair when I tasted how good this was. If you are a fan of rice pudding then you will LOVE this. My favorite is the Cinnamon, but it also comes in plain and creme brulee. I don't know why it's not listed on the Jell-O website, but this stuff is da bomb and you really need to try it out. Find it in the dairy case. I can't find the nutriontials online, but I'm pretty sure they are 60 calories each.

If you're a fan of Hungry Girl, you've probably heard about the new Yoplait Light flavors, all clocking in at 110 calories and 0g of fat. I have tried all 3 of the new flavors: Strawberry Shortcake, Raspberry Cheesecake and Pineapple Upside Down Cake. While they were all good, I can say with confidence that only the Pineapple Upside Down Cake actually tasted like it's title. The other 2 just tasted like Strawberry and Raspberry -- flavors that Yoplait Light already offers. I didn't taste enough difference to get the "cheesecake" or "shortcake" part of them. BUT the Pineapple Upside Down Cake really knocked my socks off. I will definitely buy this item again soon, and I recommend you give it a whirl as well! Kudos to Yoplait for at least attempting new and exciting flavors in their Light line. Keep them coming Yoplait!!!

Please add your suggestions. I'm trying to re-familiarize myself with the Amy's Original Kitchen line of products. Any items to suggest from that line? I'm already in love with the Cheese Enchilada dinner and have that waiting in my fridge for another lunch this week. :-)

A favor

Please help out my bloggy friend Laura. She is running a survey online and she'd like your help. Here's what she had to say on her blog, From Sparkly to Single:

To request a big fat favour from my readers. I am currently doing some
contract marketing work for my old company, Coast Hotels & Resorts, and I've been
assigned the task of researching some options for the company's web strategy for
the coming year. So I've put together a short survey about web usage. I'm
specifically seeking responses of women over the age of 30 who live in or are
interested in travelling to the Pacific Northwest (BC and Alberta), but all
responses are of course appreciated.If you could spare a few minutes, would you
please fill out this survey? And if you have a blog I would most appreciate you
posting the survey to your own blog so I can reach a greater number of
respondents.

Click here for the survey: Website Usage Survey

Another Op'nin': Anna Livia

Tonight is opening night for my show, Anna Livia, Lucky in Her Bridges. I'm very excited and I think we're going to do great. The past 2 nights have been preview shows -- which are like "test audiences", where we get feedback from the audience to help make the show better. Opening night represents the final product. Our preview audiences have been very positive, as well as helpful to point out the parts of the show that need more clarity. What I'm most happy about is I finally feel like I've got a good grasp of the language and my performance is really coming together. The confidence that I was lacking over the past week has slowly been dissolving, being replaced by a more secure, confident feeling that I can do this and it will be good; something to really enjoy and be proud of.

If any of you are living in the Chicago area, I really recommend you see it. It's a very mysterious show, with a very intriguing plot. But if you are uncomfortable with gay themes it might not be your bag. I personally think that our production has presented the gay themes very well -- the love between the two main characters is very real and beautiful. There is no groping -- nothing perverse. It's just pure love between two people. "Beautiful" is the word that keeps coming to mind. There are also many other themes -- God's trust in mankind; the bond between siblings; love transcending death and time; the consequences of being a coward. It's definitely a show that leaves you thinking, and makes for great conversation while enjoying post-show drinks.

Here's info on the show if you want to catch it. If you do come, please wait for me in the lobby and introduce yourself!

ANNA LIVIA, LUCKY IN HER BRIDGES
Written by David Brendan Hopes

Location:	Bailiwick Repertory - Mainstage
Street:	1229 W. Belmont
City:	Chicago, IL 60657

Cast:

Tim Martin as Des
Sentell Harper as David
Julie Burt Nichols as Ellen
Mike Dunbar as Barry
David Keller as LIVE CELLIST (oooh)

Directed by Kevin Mayes

Opening Night - Saturday, September 13 at 7:30pm for $25

Regular performances:
Thursdays at 7:30pm for $20
Saturdays at 7:30pm for $25
Sundays at 3:30pm for $25

NO FRIDAY SHOWS

Runs through October 19. Call 773-883-1090 to reserve tickets. www.bailiwick.org

TO PURCHASE TICKETS ONLINE, CLICK BELOW:
https://secure.rinellainternet.net/orders/clients/bailiwick/dates.asp?id=341&show=Anna%20Livia,%20Lucky%20In%20Her%20Bridges

Update

I just received this great comment that I wanted to respond to in a post:

I have been wondering how you are doing. I am having such a hard time losing this weight. My husband is a terrible influence, wanting to go out and eat, buy snacks and stuff, oy vey! He supports me in this but he sometimes doesn't care about losing his as much as I do mine. I know he wants to, but he gives in at times. How are you doing? Are you hanging in there? Jess

Thanks for your comment, Jess. I've been meaning to get back on here and give an update, and you just gave me the motivation. I have not been doing well in the body department. In the mind and spirit department I'm feeling great! The show is going really well. We have 1st tech rehearsal today and our first preview performance is on Thursday (Opening Night on Saturday.) I'm loving being back on stage after an almost 2 year hiatus. The role is really meaty and I have some GREAT speeches that really allow me to let loose. Some real "Electra" moments, if you will. I'm so very happy in my marriage (our 1 year anniversary is at the end of the month), the job is going great and I was asked by my boss the other day if I want to come on permanently (which will take a few weeks to get finalized with the temp agency, since he's out of the office for the next 3 weeks, but that's ok with me.)

The only thing that saddens me is how much I've stuck myself in a rut physically. These evening rehearsals are just kicking my ass and I have no energy in the morning to do my workouts. I've been eating whatever I feel like. I've been trying to at least be mindful of WHAT I'm eating. The "diet" foods I've grown accustomed to over the years are just not doing it for me anymore and I'm resenting how quickly I am hungry again --- or just not satiated in the first place, you know? At this point, I'd prefer to actually feel full at my main meals and then not have any snacks throughout the day. It's frustrating. Very very frustrating. I'm stressed from the show and I'm neglecting my exercise and eating habits because of that. I do have a plan though --- as soon as the show is up and we are done with the rehearsal period (which is only a week away) I will get back to a regular exercise regime in the mornings. I am a mere 7 pounds away from being at my heaviest again and I just CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN. I think about my doctor, how kind she's been, and how right she is when she says that I really do need to lose weight for my health. It's true. If I'm going to start to have children in a few years, I can't imagine ADDING another 40 - 50 lbs. to what I've already got. ARG!!!

Will I ever be happy with my body? Probably not. I love food. I love to eat delicious food. Often. And I'm not a fan of heavy exercise.

What to do?

Jess, I'm sorry for your situation. I am very lucky that at least my husband is not an eater. He's never been the one to influence me to eat something I didn't want to. And he likes working out. Wouldn't you think that should've rubbed off on me by now? But maybe that's the answer. You can't count on anyone but yourself to achieve your goals --- if you REALLY want them. Whether the people in your life are helpful or not, it's still up to YOU to make the choices. You have to influence yourself. The question I ask myself is, "Do I REALLY want this?" I used to. I used to want it passionately. What happened to that? It's just so hard. Really, really hard. Eating is a necessity. It's not like smoking or drinking or doing drugs --- things you can survive without. I can't survive without food, so I am constantly reminded many times a day of my problem and faced with it. I know I'm complaining but I just don't care anymore. I'm going to complain about this if I want. That's what blogs are for, right?

Life isn't so bad. I'm healthy. In love. I have money. A job. A caring family. A passion that I am able to pursue. I'm just chubby. Is that so wrong? Do I take my body too seriously? Maybe if I tried to not think about it too much, it wouldn't be such a big deal.

I don't know. After 3 years of this blog I feel like I'm always going back to Day 1.

Thoughts?

Dorm Room Workout

I tried out a new aerobics program on the Comcast OnDemand. It's called "Dorm Room Workout", and you can find it in the ExerciseTV section, listed under College Crunch Time. It's a 30 minute circuit video that is challenging without being too complicated. I am enjoying this workout because of several reasons:

1. It doesn't require a lot of space. I am able to do it on my living room floor, which is 7 foot wide by 4 foot deep. They don't do a lot of front and back movements, which is great because I don't have a lot of room to move in that direction! (I always end up knocking into the TV in front of me or the couch behind me) I have much more room from right to left, and the exercises tend toward those motions.


2. The movements are simple. The most difficult move is at an intermediate level. This is great for me because I usually work out in the mornings, so any video that doesn't require a lot of thought is a video for me.


3. You feel the results. The movements may be simple, but after so many reps you can really feel the burn. I feel it mostly in my butt and thighs.


4. There's a clock in the upper left corner that counts down the time from 30 minutes, so you know exactly the amount of time you have left to suffer before you're done! Brilliant!!!

One thing about the video that bothers me are the constant comments relating to "college life." For example, the leader will randomly spout out crap like, "Come on, push it! Get rid of that Freshman Fifteen!", "This will really get your body ready for those formal dances!" and "I know sometimes the buffet line is unavoidable, and it's ok to indulge once in a while, but try eating salads instead!" The comments imply that what really matters in college life (or life in general I guess) is how skinny you are. It really can wear on your psyche after a while. She kinda made me feel like I wasn't cool enough to be in her sorority. :-/

My favorite line, while performing TaeBo-like sucker punches: "Everyone has that English professor that they hate. Just imagine punching him!" Wow. Talk about motivation. Maybe 8 years ago!

If you don't have Comcast OnDemand, try clicking on the link above and you might be able to order it on DVD. It's definitely worth a try, especially if you are naturally talented at zoning out negative body image propaganda.

In other news, my new job is turning out really well. I am still not a permanent employee (I'm temp-to-perm), but I have a feeling an offer will be coming in the next few weeks. My boss and I are getting along really well now. I think it was just a matter of him getting to know me better --- building that trust. He's seeing that I'm a hard, fast and smart worker, and he likes that. He is a lot more personable now, and he even asks me questions about my life, like, "So, any big plans for the weekend?" You don't really notice how much you miss stuff like that, until they aren't there. I mentioned that I got cast in ANNA LIVIA and he was really excited for me. He said I should let everyone in the office know and they'd come see me. It's stuff like that that makes you feel more at home in an office environment. When your co-workers/boss show an interest in your life, it makes you feel more like a part of everything. Which is very nice. :-)

Anna Livia, Lucky in Her Bridges

I totally forgot to blog about the new show I just got cast in! It's called ANNA LIVIA, LUCKY IN HER BRIDGES, and it goes up at the Bailiwick Repertory on September 12th. Which is really soon! It's part of the Pride Series, sharing the stage in rep with another gay-themed play. I play the part of Ellen, the older sister to two brothers, living together in Dublin, Ireland, at the turn of the century. So that means IRISH ACCENTS! And RED HAIR!!!! They often refer to my character's "fiery red hair" in the script. So I will either be coloring my hair red, or wearing a red wig. I'm fine with the coloring, as long as it's done professionally. Not sure if that's in the budget, so we'll have to see. But I'm very excited to be back on stage again!! There are 3 other actors in the show (all dudes) and we start rehearsals in 1 week. I've got a lot to memorize so I'd better get crackin'. The script is very well written and I'm really looking forward to digging into it. It goes back and forth between 1904 and 2004, on June 16th (Bloomsday). Which is very fitting because my character is dating James Joyce. Yes, THE James Joyce. In a way, it's a ghost story. I'll try to post updates on how rehearsals are going, especially with my new early-morning workout schedule. I'll have to work extra hard to keep up with that, now that I'll be working nights at rehearsal. But I'm hoping to stick to it, especially since I've been seeing real changes in my body and the way my clothes are fitting. I'm trying to focus on that more and not worry about weighing myself as much. Ok, time for Mad Men!

Party pics

Mike's birthday was a blast! I'm exhausted from a busy and fun weekend, but I'm still getting up early tomorrow to workout before it's back to the work week. Here are some pics from the weekend I wanted to share.

Me, flying off the slide

Mike, going face first down the slide (not bad for a 40-year-old)

Sarah and my Mom

Bernie and Sarah, working on my awesome Birthday Wordsearch

Me and Dad in the pool

Hilary, Don and Former-Cubemate Sarah

Mike's 40th B-day Pinata

You beat that 40, baby!

Mike's awesome guitar shaped cake (thanks to Mom)

Mickey, Mom and I, mocking Mickey's trademark psycho photo face

Mike's Boyz: Henio, John and Tom

Me

Another of me and Mick, my bro

Happy Birthday Mikey :-)

Party time! Excellent!

Today is Mike's 40th birthday party! I've been working over the past few months to get it all organized and ready, and I'm so excited the day is finally here!!! I worked with Mike's best friend Henio (who's a brilliant artist) to design the invitation and it came out GREAT! It was drawn comic book style, with this photo of Mike at age 20 on the front. HILARIOUS!!! Mike used to be an actor too, and this was an unused proof from a series of headshots that his friend took of him in college. Channeling James Dean, methinks? Needless to say, the invitation was very well received by all, and Mike was somewhat embarrassed, but mostly entertained. :-)

My parents were gracious enough to donate the use of their house and backyard in-ground pool for the party. Thanks Mom and Dad! I am so excited for all the tacky 40th b-day decorations that I bought, which Mike is unaware of. :-) Hee hee hee... Including an inflatable cane (which will be great for floating in the pool, and is also a stab at Mike's surprisingly large collection of canes -- because he's apparently 80 years old???) and a PINATA shaped like the number 40!!!! I bought old school candy to stuff in it, a mix of Mary Janes, Slo-Pokes, Bit O' Honey. Yummy and nostalgic! And I'm bringing some photo albums of Mike in his 20s/30s. I'm hoping his Mom will be able to dig out some albums of his childhood and bring them with her. Oh, I also bought him a t-shirt that says, "40: How the $%^&@# Did That Happen???" for everyone to sign. Oooh that reminds me to grab a Sharpie. We'll have 3 kinds of Baker's Square pies (cherry, lemon merengue and french silk) since Mike is more of a pie fan than a cake fan...but of course we still had to get cake for everyone else (um, hello? what's a birthday without cake???) so my Mom had this great idea to order a cake shaped like a bass guitar!!! Mike doesn't know about it (and he doesn't read this blog, so no worries) and I'm so excited for him to see it!!!

Well, I better get ready to go soon. The weather isn't bad, but I wish it were sunny. It's kinda overcast, with a chance of "isolated" thunderstorms. Hopefully those will be isolated far away from us. :-) I'll post pics this week!

Chuggin' along

I'm into my 2nd week of consistent regular exercise and I've got to admit --- I'm feeling pretty great. I can't really remember exactly when I started on this path, but that says to me that I'm even more invested in a change this time around. I'm not really dwelling on how long I've been having to workout, nor how long I will have to workout until I reach my goal. This time, I'm looking at it more like a routine change.

I've planned to workout Mon, Weds and Fri for 30 minutes and 30 minutes on either Sat or Sun. My new 15-minute work commute has allowed me extra time in the morning, so I'm taking advantage and working out as soon as I wake up. Getting the workouts over with first thing in the morning is helping a lot with my success rate. Just getting it done before I can talk myself out of it is really key. This has always been the problem with working out after work---I dwell on the idea of working out all day and I usually manage to talk myself out of it by the time I leave work. Then I sit around all night feeling tired from the day, plus ashamed that I didn't workout. With this new routine, exercise is a scheduled part of my morning, just like taking a shower, or making my bag lunch. I'm using the mindset of "It's just another chore I have to do before I can get to work."

The only problem is that I am not as coordinated or energetic right after I wake up, but then again I'm not all that great at the end of the day either. My best time of day to work out is like 11:00 am. At that time, I've had a little breakfast, I'm more alert, and I have a bit of a spring in my step. But that's just not realistic during the work week. So I will settle for slightly sleepy, kinda uncoordinated, but actually accomplishing something!

My eating habits are a lot better too. I think the exercise is helping to increase my metabolism. I'm also getting used to eating smaller amounts of food at each meal, and my body is not as hungry anymore.

In order to keep up with my healthy eating habits, I'm trying to schedule more non-food-related activities in the evenings. My problem is that if I sit around the house after dinner and just watch TV, I will usually get the urge to keep going back to the kitchen for another bite of dinner. And since sitting around the house watching bad summer TV programming is really boring anyway, I'm scheduling stuff that I really like to do that energizes my brain and keeps me occupied without the boob tube. One example is my voice lessons. I'm trying to keep up with these at least once every two weeks. It's helping me to focus on what I love --- SINGING! --- and it's helping me to work on new material for auditions. The excitement of doing something I love also gives me adrenaline through the rest of the night. I want to make more plans to go out and see friends for drinks/dinners after work. I'll just have to be careful to focus on the conversation and NOT the food.

So things are on the up. The job is working out nicely. I feel at ease, and in my element, as an Executive Assistant. It feels good to be back, doing what I know.

Sparkpeople Revisit

I am once again bored at work, so I thought I'd blog a bit about Sparkpeople. I've talked about Sparkpeople in the past; how it's the best free online weight loss website. But it's been a while since I talked about it, and I thought new readers might be interested in learning more about it. And just to be clear, I do not earn a single cent from SP. The website is just that great for dieters like me, that I want to make others aware of it's awesomeness.

Sparkpeople is a free online service that is great for anyone who needs help keeping track of their daily calories. When you first register, SP asks you a series of questions about your goals, your lifestyle and your fitness preferences. Then SP takes this info and creates a customized program for you. For example, it asks "How many pounds do you want to lose?" and "When do you want to reach your goal?" Based on those answers, the system can identify exactly how many calories you need to consume and burn each day leading up to your goal date in order to meet that goal. It's a pretty brilliant concept, if you actually stick to the plan.

Once you are a registered user, you track your daily calories/fat/protein/whatever you want to track in your daily food journal. The great part about the food journal is you can store the nutritional info from items that you have in your home, as well as look up foods in the SP food database. They've got thousands of items in the database, most with namebrands, and many items from fast food/chain restaurants. If you're like me, you often take food to work and forget to check the label before you leave the house, so you're not sure what the stats are while you're trying to log the food in your diary. No worries! Just do a search on Sparkpeople and you will likely find the item. And if you can't find something in their database, you can do a quick Google search for the item, and usually you can find the stats at the namebrand's website. Then, just log the stats in your journal and choose to save the item in your "Favorites". Then the next time you eat that food, you've already got the info stored and you don't have to look it all up again. It's really convenient for people like me, who have their standard healthy snacks that they eat frequently.

Another part of Sparkpeople that I love is the Fitness Tracker. This feature houses a database of all different kinds of activites, everything from jogging to vacuuming! Let's say you just did a 30 minute aerobic DVD. Just do a search for "aerobics" and select "30 minutes". The tracker shows how many calories you burned (this is estimated, based on your current weight and height, which you would have originally logged in your account settings upon registering, I believe.) Then it records all this info (your minutes logged, your calories burned, etc.) in your Fitness Tracker and you can keep up on your progress.

The site also has a very strong community. You can create your own custom "SparkPage" which is like your own website on Sparkpeople -- you can post "before" pics and tell the SP community a little about yourself. There are also TONS of SP message boards where you can meet thousands of users just like yourself. The boards are really great as a resource to make new friends, gain support from people with the same goals/lifestyles as yourself, and help get your questions asked about SP or nutrition/fitness in general.

Did I mention the Points System? It's really a silly thing. For each thing you do on SP, you gain points (for logging your food, logging how much water you drank, reading an SP article, etc.) The points add up as you use the different features each day and after logging a certain amount of points you can earn "trophies". The points and trophies don't really amount to an actual tangible prize... but it's a fun way to motivate people to use the site. I, for one, am very competitive, so the points are really great for me. It motivates me to check out new things on the site.

The final part of Sparkpeople that I want to brag about is it's sister site --- SparkRecipes.com. I have found so many awesome recipes on this site that are easy to make and my husband doesn't realize is diet food! :-) What's also great is at the click of a button you can transfer the nutritionals from 1 serving of the meal you just made from that new recipe and it will log it in your Food Journal. How awesome is that???? And of course, you can submit your own recipes to share with the community. I've found so many delicious recipes to use with my Crock Pot --- I honestly believe that slow cooking makes even the most low-cal of foods taste better (i.e. chicken breasts.)

So that's the end of my rant on Sparkpeople. If you sign up, mention that FLIPTHISBODY was your referral. I earn more SparkPoints for each person that signs up, and even though those points don't win me any prizes, I still get a kick out of earning them. And if you do register, make sure to create a SparkPage for yourself and ask me to be your friend. It's like the Facebook of Sparkpeople. Let me know if you have any questions about the site and I'd be happy to help!

Back in Business!

Hey folks! I got a new job! YAY! It's technically a temp-to-perm position. That means I had to interview for the position against other people, but once I was selected I was taken on as a "temp", with the intention to hire me eventually if all goes well. It's a nice arrangement for the employer and myself -- if I don't feel it's the right fit, I'm allowed to leave before it goes permanent and there's no hard feelings. At the same time, if they don't think I'm working out, they can tell my agency and I'll be out of a job. :-/ But it's really my job to lose. As long as I can show my boss that I'm good at what I do, eventually they will make me an offer. I'm told this takes an average of 3 months to happen.

So far it's going well. I'm working for an electronics distribution company, based in the Ravenswood neighborhood of Chicago. IT'S ONLY A 5-MINUTE DRIVE FROM MY HOUSE!!! And the parking is FREE and PLENTIFUL! AND if I move to the suburbs, the Metra train stops RIGHT OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR!!! Can you tell I'm excited about this? :-) I am the Executive Assistant to the Global Supply Chain Director, Tom. Tom is a nice guy, as far as I can tell. I've only spoken to him for 1/2 hour, when I met him for my interview 2 weeks ago. I started working here a week ago, but he's been in Singapore the whole time so I haven't even seen him yet! He's supposed to be back late tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to sitting down and asking him some questions. I was trained all last week by the woman I replaced. Not sure what her situation was --- it was pretty shady if leaving was her choice, or if she was asked to resign. Hmmm... Oh well! Tom is traveling at least 50% of the time, so I will be alone a lot. There's a lot of people in this office, but it's hard making friends because all the departments are pretty separate. I have become friendly with 2 or 3 people that have their desks near mine. Hopefully, if I get hired on permanently, I'll start making some friends to go to lunch with. That's always the hard part for me about starting a new job --- finding people I can enjoy spending my breaks with. My job consists mostly of arranging Tom's travel and managing his busy calendar. It's not rocket science, and I have lots of experience doing this from my job at the beauty school. Unlike my position at the hotel, I am very familiar with the tasks I'll be doing, so it's not a "fish-out-of-water" situation like it was at the hotel. I feel a lot more at ease in this position because I'm doing what I know. And that feels SO good. :-)

I also am getting back on track with my eating and exercise habits. Since my commute has been shortened now by 45 minutes, I am trying to use this extra time in the morning to work out. I've been finding success in the FitnessTV section of the Comcast OnDemand. There's a slew of aerobic and strength training shows on there that you can start and stop whenever you want. And it's FREE! I like trying new ones as often as I can --- I don't want to get stagnant doing the same routine too many times. Jillian Michaels (the super intense trainer from the Biggest Loser) has her workout videos on there and they KICK MY ASS. They are only up for a limited time though, because they are really just trying to promote her DVDs, so they give us free usage for now, and then they direct us to go online and buy her program. It's a great program that I'd totally buy -- if I wasn't getting tons of workout videos for free on this OnDemand thing!

I've been somewhat successfully getting back to my original eating plan. I found that sticking to the Nutrisystem way of eating (without actually buying the Nutrisystem products) was really working for me. (check out links on the sidebar to read archives of my plan) I've been a pretty devoted Lean Cuisine fan for a while, but a few days ago I perused the Weight Watchers SmartOnes just next door, and they had a lot of yummy options that piqued my interest. I stopped buying the SmartOnes a while ago because I was really bored with their offerings, but it looks like they've jazzed them up a little and I'm giving them another go. Especially since I notices that their WW Points values are generally lower than the Lean Cuisines. So I'll let you know how that goes.

I'm going to try to post more often on here. I'll definitely have more time to do so, now that I'm working a job where there are full weeks at a time where my boss is out of the office and I will have not a lot to do. He's pretty cool though --- he even said I should feel free to browse the internet if I was bored, so I'm definitely taking him up on that. I've been auditioning again, but nothing is panning out, so I think this Fall I will probably not have a show to do. But that's ok. I am hoping that more auditions in the coming months will lead to a Spring show. Then I'll have time to really settle in to my job and enjoy the holidays before adding another layer of craziness.

If you've been following my blog lately, or in the past, and you stop by, please leave a comment! I'm curious as to who's still out there. I feel like I've dropped off the face of the blogosphere for a while! Sorry about that, but, yeah, what can you do. Toodles!

Temping

You'd think that being unemployed would give me plenty of time and reason to blog? But I guess not, since it's been yet another 3 weeks. I think that blogging requires a true desire to share your story with the world. When you aren't exactly proud of your story, it's not as desirable to share it.

I've landed 2 more temp jobs since the last one. The 2nd temp job was at the same bank where they let me go for finishing everything so fast! I was put in a different department, subbing for an Executive Assistant who was out on a week and a half medical leave. Boy was it awkward when I ran into the person I used to work for in the last department --- the one who didn't even say goodbye or let me know that the job was ending, when she quite obviously knew. I pretended that I was happy to see her, and she followed suit by asking me how my interview went. Typical HR person! :-)

My current temp job is fine. I have to go through all these medical claims on a computer and print them out, and I'm talking like almost 2,000 of them. They have to be submitted to a lawyer by the deadline of June 20, and there are a lot more claims that are NOT in the computer that I have to look up in paper files that are arriving to the office tomorrow, and I am not looking forward to that. But at least it is work. And reading the other day that unemployment is the highest that it's been since the stock market crash of the 80s, well that's starting to scare me a little.

I do have some good leads on permanent jobs. My staffing agencies have been coming through with some decent opportunities, and I have an interview on Wednesday for a temp-to-permanent position. Which means that if they like me enough at the interview, they invite me to be their temp, and if I do a great job they might hire me full time. But at the same time if I don't like working there, I have the option to decline if they do want to make an offer, and I can also keep interviewing for other jobs while I'm there. The company sounds pretty cool -- it's a consulting firm where they come into your company and assess everything that's wrong with it, and then they create a strategy to reignite your company with new branding, new training for employees, creating new systems to become more efficient. Sounds pretty interesting.

I am doing a pretty good job of watching my calories during the week, while I'm at the temp job. I'm trying to eat smaller amounts more often throughout the day, such as an apple and string cheese, a yogurt, etc. But, as always, the weekends are hard to control. I think it's because there is no set routine, so it's harder to control my eating habits. I haven't been exercising at all really. Mike is determined to get back to the gym next week, so I will probably go with him. Might as well use him as a motivator since I'm not doing a great job of motivating myself now.

So that's about it! Some exciting stuff is coming up at the end of the month. First, I'm going with some of my old co-workers from the hotel to Wisconsin for a birthday celebration, and then the following weekend Mike and I are going with our 2 friends up to Michigan for a weekend at a lakehouse. I'm excited for 2 mini-vacations! Yayyyy!!!

Still on the Hunt

I'm still on the job hunt. I had a temp job for a little while. 5 days to be exact. I was getting ready to leave work at 4:55 pm yesterday and I saw that I had a voicemail on my cell phone. It was my temp agency telling me not to come back on Monday. They had gotten a call from my supervisor that I had finished all the work so fast that they didn't need me to come back, because there's nothing left to do. Mother. Fucker.

I was told that the job was "open ended", which I assumed meant that there would be plenty for me to do for a while. I guess it really meant that they didn't know how long the job would take. The answer? 36.5 hours. The kicker is that I had my supervisor sign my timesheet at 4:40 pm, and she didn't say anything. The time on the voicemail from my agency was 4:00 pm. So she knew that I wouldn't be coming back and she didn't even say anything when she signed my timesheet! No "great job, sorry we're out of work for you to do." Not even a "sorry to tell you this, but today's your last day." I didn't listen to the voicemail until after she left, so I had no clue it was my last day. I was seriously pissed. It just felt so shady, like she was too much of a pussy to tell me. I WAS WORKING FOR THE FUCKING HR DEPARTMENT TOO!!! You'd think that someone working in HR would be a little more upfront and sensitive. Whatever.

I did have a really great final interview last week. It's for an Administrative Assistant position at a top PR firm in downtown Chicago. I'm up against 2 other people and they should be making a decision next week. I really like the company a lot and I would be very happy if they made an offer. I also have a friend that works at the company, which definitely helped in the interview process. It's all about who you know. Seriously, if you are looking for a job, you should really consider reaching out to your network of friends for help. I have been so blessed over the years to find great opportunities through my friends. Companies take referrals from friends a lot more seriously. The job I applied for was posted on Monster.com and I'm sure that if I didn't know someone who worked there, I would have never landed an interview. For every job posting on Monster or Careerbuilder, at least 100 people apply, I'm sure. Not only are unemployed people applying for these jobs (people who really need them and are willing to do anything to land them), but also employed people who are looking for their next move to get out of their current situation. The competition is insane.

So I'm back in the temp pool; still interviewing for permanent jobs. I'm not counting on anything and I am trying to hedge my bets as best I can. I'm updating my agencies every few days to remind them I still exist. Some of my staffing agencies are being really great and helpful. Some are not. Some actually listened to what I was looking for in a position. Some just want a pulse and will try to submit you for a job that you clearly are not interested in. Some stop calling after you've turned down too many opportunities to be submitted. BUT, some are great and keeping calling, because they understand that there's no point in submitting you for a job you don't want, because even if you do get hired, you will probably not stay long and their client will be pissed.

I've been thinking a lot lately about writing. Like writing a novel, or a play. I have no idea what I'd write. Or even what I'd write about. Well, I'll have plenty of time to write, come Monday!

I was happy to learn a week ago that a replacement was hired for me at the hotel. Thank God! I was really feeling guilty about that for a while; knowing that my friends at my old job were having to do my job after I left.

I guess that's it for now. Not much to report on the weight loss side. I can report that temp jobs are bad for your diet, because they are so boring that all you think about is "what can I eat?" and "when can I eat next?" And since you are alone for breaks and lunch, and you're bored, you tend to eat more because at least it's entertainment. Food becomes something to look forward to; the ONLY thing to look forward to. And when I have people to eat with, I don't have such insane cravings. I eat what I have and then I chat. I don't have time to think about, "what else can I eat?" I tried shopping a bit this week during my hour lunch break, and found some cute shorts at Sears; but as I'm on a budget, shopping is definitely not as fun as it used to be. And even though it sucks that my best friend is also unemployed now too, at least I will have someone to hang out with during the day. But hopefully for not too long!

Gainfully Unemployed

I quit my job last week. I had been thinking about doing it for a long time, but I finally had an anxiety attack in the middle of the night last Wednesday. I was crying and shaking on the living room couch, desperate to get out of the situation ASAP. And in the morning I went into work and gave my resignation.

It is one of the hardest things I've ever done. When you quit a job that you wanted to work out so badly, and you worked so hard to get, you feel like a personal failure when it doesn't. I went into this position knowing exactly what was expected -- long hours, lots of paperwork, lots of clients to deal with --- and I gave it 1,000%, especially because I was not from the industry and I had something to prove. The hotel took a chance on me, and I didn't want to let them down. There is a tremendous amount of guilt in just picking up and leaving, especially when you've become close with the people that you're working with --- just knowing that they are going to have to be the ones to pick up the pieces after you've gone. But I had to do it. I've never been more irresponsible in my life. I've always been the one to do the "right thing"-- the one who always gave at least 2 weeks notice and did all she could to prepare the job for her departure. But I just couldn't do it this time. I had created a physical and mental aversion to my job. It literally made me nauseous just thinking about all the clients, all the paperwork, all the millions of things that needed to get done in such short periods of time, and the extra weekends, evenings and early morning hours I'd have to spend just being there to make sure events went off right. I imagined the rest of my life being chained to that place, with no ability to just plan a weekend away somewhere, for fear that someone might book an event that I'd have to work. And that's no way to live. It was not the right fit, and I knew it in my gut.

I cried and cried for 24 hours after I quit. The nausea started going away a few days later (Best Diet Ever, by the way) and I went to Miami with my mom to get away from it all. I decided to start contacting temp agencies right away, but not to worry about them while I was in Florida. I have to tell you, taking that break was the best thing that could have happened. Being away from all my worries allowed me to just let go of all the tension my body had been storing up for the past few months. I felt myself slowly letting go, my muscles relaxing as if I was getting a shiatsu massage. But it was all me --- I allowed myself to relax and my body was so grateful. I found myself falling into the deepest of sleep each night while away; sleep that allowed me to let go and wake up completely refreshed. I hadn't slept like that in MONTHS. My recent slumber ritual usually would result in waking up in the middle of the night at least once a night, remembering something I forgot to do at work in a panic. No more of that. I also found myself exhaling often; large sighs exiting my body in relief. My mom pointed it out before I realized I was doing it. In with the good air, out with the bad...

So it's Day 4 of Julie's Temp Agency Registration Week. I have registered at 5 places so far and will register at 2 more places by the end of the day. I should be able to at least start temping by Monday --- even though it will only be $11-15 an hour, it's something. My recruiters will send me on permanent job interviews as "right fits" become clear to them. I'm focusing now on only Mon-Fri, 8am-5pm jobs as an Executive or Administrative Assistant in the fields of Marketing, Event Planning, Education, Media, or any other creative fields. I'm also open to a non-creative industry, as long as the office is great to work in with great co-workers. I have 4 solid years of Admin. experience going for me at the same company, so that's a positive. If you can type, answer phones and run Microsoft Office, you can really get a job anywhere --- it's finding the company that I WANT to work for that's the tricky part.

Mike, my family and friends have all been so supportive in my choice to leave my job, and I am so grateful to them. They know that I wouldn't have done it unless I was desperate; and I was! While I still feel a little guilty, it's slowly going away; being replaced by some pride in making the right decision for myself. It took some balls to do that, I guess -- t